You see, I’ve grown up to be the kind of person who grabs every opportunity that’s physically possible. I do pride myself on it, but it is also my biggest setback.
I want to do great things. My passions fuel me, but not as much as my fear of failure does. I’m petrified of never living up to my full potential and want to make every advancement available to me.
I’m a very busy person. And if you were to tell me that, I’d probably shrug it off and say
“It’s better that way”
(which isn’t a lie, in a sense)
Keeping busy does help maintain my mental health (but probably not in the healthiest way possible). I get panic attacks and depressive episodes that can last for weeks on end if I don’t keep myself completely distracted. I’ve been to hell and back with my mental health and nothing seems to keep me stable (most of the time) like keeping busy does. I’m walking proof that mental health sufferers aren’t bound by stereotypes such as being trapped in bed or not being able to do everyday tasks (however those days do come around too).
I’ve noticed that when I go out for coffee or a general catch up with a friend I haven’t seen in a while, one of the first things they’ll say is, “you seem so busy!” and “that’s so good!”.
But sometimes busy isn’t good.
In fact, it’s not good at all.
I think I’ve hit busy breaking point.
I can’t sleep at night because I’m wide awake thinking of the next thing I have to do. My days off work aren’t days off; they’re filled with me running errands or taking part in internships or volunteer work to try and learn more. I feel lazy if all I do is sit at home at my desk and edit photos for my photo/vid business. WORK makes me feel LAZY. And this epiphany didn’t hit me until my PT let me off doing one last cardio rep because she could tell I was drained. I wasn’t slacking on the machines or complaining, I was just noticeably drained. I had no idea that people could tell.
I do do a lot when you think about it. To break it down…
– I’m a full-time uni student
⁃ I work a part-time job
⁃ I run and work for my own business
⁃ I’m a weekly radio announcer
⁃ I take part in an internship related to career prospects I adore
⁃ I suffer from a chronic autoimmune disease which requires weekly checkups
⁃ I am diagnosed with clinical mental illnesses
⁃ I have a social life with beautiful friends
⁃ I have an amazing boyfriend who I hang out with when I can
⁃ I see a PT twice a week and exercise whenever I can in between
⁃ I write for my own blog
I’m not looking for pity here. I mean, if pity can even be shared over a situation like this. I just feel like I’m in some weird purgatory of life where I can’t find any proper relief from working.
I’m not quite sure what it feels like to relax anymore. It doesn’t feel right when I try. There’s always something ticking over in my mind that I have to do or work on.
I remember thinking that “uni holidays are going to be awesome because I can finally chill out and work on my own personal projects at my own pace”. It’s been two months so far and none of the sort has happened, or looks like it will for a while.
I love everything I do. I mean, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be doing it. Simple. But I feel like I’m not in a place to slow down either. I’m scared of how hard I’m going to hit rock bottom if this continues for any longer. There’s a difference between laughing it off and calling it a grind and having your life dictated by too many activities and responsibility.
I’m so stuck. My fears and passions speak louder than my physical and mental health and I’m absolutely exhausted. I’m a type of exhausted that sleep can’t really fix.
I don’t know what I need, but I know that I need something.